I Gave Birth To Bigfoot

It's Saturday night, so what are all the cool kids doing? Interviewing each other. Okay, so the cool kids are totally not doing that, but we are. My questions, daughter Johanna's answers. Go.

1. If you were a kind of juice, what kind of juice would you be?
Pineapple.

2. What time of day are you? why?
I'm all day. I'm all day, every day.

3. If you were a school administrator, how would you deal with racism?
I wouldn't.

4. What's one thing about yourself that no one else knows?
I make life decisions in the shower, and I don't wear pants when I'm doing my makeup.

5. If you were going to a deserted island and could only take three things, what would they be?
Tyler Goodrich's backpack, my camera, and eyeliner.

6. Who would you want to have on the island with you?
Tyler Goodrich, because how am I gonna get his backpack without him?

7. If you were a chicken, what would your name be?
Chicken.

8. What's one stereotype that you TOTALLY think is true?
That girls are catty weiners.

9. If you are on the cover of a gossip magazine someday, which one would it be and why?
The National Enquirer, because I'm Bigfoot.

10. Candles or firebombs?
Firebombs. Duh.

Ever Heard of a Crop Rectangle?

Big storm last night here in southwest Illinois -- not exactly newsworthy, but then woke up and looked at the community garden that happens to be in my backyard to see that the corn had disappeared.

Well, that's what it looked like at first -- actually it was laid flat. Which, after a storm, wouldn't be so weird except not a single other thing was blown around, the tomatoes, okra, peppers, stakes, tree branches, those super awesome rubber balls you get for like two bucks at WalMart, totally cool. The two plots of corn? Flattened.

Because we have to make up weird, highly-unlikely theories to keep our lives here from being soul-killing-ly dull, we're going with aliens. Are you with us? Here are the pics ...

Some Things I Have Not Blogged About, Since I Stopped Blogging, Part Deux

Last May I wrote a similarly titled post, having slacked off on the blogging. I made a good run of re-blogging (I made that word up, you can use it if you like) for a while, but then, true to form, slacked off again. Well, here I am once more. Mostly due to unemployment. Anyhoo, a new list, just to get you up to speed:

1. Turning 39. Woo hoo! Uh, yeah.

2. My new tattoo. Yeah, I do have one, but what is this, Groundhog Day? These are the first two items on last year's list too. I need to get some new material.

3. My car being hit. Okay, so this one is a little different (last year - stolen). I was hit by a school bus though. While I was in the car. And they took off, no doubt figuring it would be near impossible for me to identify the large yellow bus with the giant number "43" on it. Clever.

4. Signing up for Match.com. Wait, did I just say that out loud??? Crap. Well, now you know. It is truly a blog-worthy experience however, let me tell you. And perhaps sometime I will. And at least it's something different. That's my bold new move for this year -- internet dating. Good lord. Moving on ...

5. Brett Favre's retirement. Shit, here we go again. I have nothing -- NOTHING -- to say about this, but yes, another repeat. Brett, you need to get some new material too. I'm just sayin' . . .

6. Cherry stollen. I have nothing to say about this either, except it's a delicious baked treat I enjoy. And it's sitting over there on the kitchen counter, staring at me. I may have to do something about that.

and last but not least . . .

7. A complete and total existential breakdown. It's no longer an isolated episode. It's a way of life.

My Kid is Way More Talented Than I Am

My daughter Johanna has recently decided that she wants to be a photographer and graphic designer, and having reviewed some of her work, I have to concur. So here's some of her stuff -- that's her in a self-portrait up top, and her brother serving as a super cool model in the second photo. The legs shall remain anonymous. Enjoy.

Top Five Reasons I Have Not Posted in a Month (and Other Stuff)

When I can think of nothing to say I make up an inane list to fill the space. Exhibit A:

5. My daughter has provided me with zero topics since the very popular Tokio Hotel post below. Which got plenty of traffic due to the ridiculous number of girls worldwide googling "Tokio Hotel." Which means I should just write those words repeatedly to lure in the readers. Tokio Hotel. Tokio Hotel. Tokio Hotel. See how clever?

4. My boss actually likes me to get my work done, and I like to end each week by not getting fired.

3. I had hernia surgery. Okay, okay, so that was just three days ago. But I've been mentally working up to it. Very time-consuming.

2. YouTube. Dear Tempting, Easily-Accessible, Deliciously-Time-Wasting YouTube: I blame you.

1. I haven't had an original thought since Oct. 1. Sadly, that might actually be true.

And now for the other stuff (assembled at random):

~ Fact: Vicodin and On Demand will take away all your pain. Okay, that might not actually be a fact. It might be a cry for help. But maybe I'm just splitting hairs . . .

~ This is highly unAmerican, but I just wanted to take the opportunity to note that I hate voting. HATE it. I will not make note here of who I actually voted for, but just suffice it to say that for me, a hopeless fence-sitter, being forced to fill in that little bubble (more on that in a moment) is akin to, ummmm, something really sucky (okay, the Vicodin is still making me a little foggy, sue me). Er, where was I going with this?

~ Whatever, but back to filling in that little bubble -- when I encountered the classic ballpoint pen/bubble sheet voting method at my local polling site last week, I realized then and there how much freakin' trouble our country is in. Are you serious? A ball point pen? Good lord.

~ Finally, a YouTube video I have been wasting my time watching, appropriately Tokio Hotel-related and, quite frankly, weirdly delightful -- and you can laugh at me all you want. I don't care. I have my Vicodin . . .

Tokio Hotel: Evidence That My Daughter Is Now Exerting Undo Influence on My Post Topics

My daughter is obsessed with Tokio Hotel. If you don't know who they are, then you clearly do not have a 13-year-old budding rocker chick in your household. HOWEVER, this is your lucky day, as we are about to enlighten you. And to that end, I have agreed to publish this totally candid and completely unscripted interview with said daughter, J, in order to afford her the needed publicity to further her career as a, um, 13-year-old. And in keeping with my new obsession regarding posting YouTube videos here, there will, in fact, be a video, somewhere below. Oh, you can't resist.

Me: Why do you like Tokio Hotel?

J: First of all, I love Bill's hair.

Me: Who's Bill?

J: Bill Kaulitz, the lead singer. Second, I just like their music.

Me: What is it about Bill?

J: I love his hair . . .

Me: You already said his hair. Describe his hair.

J: It's big, and black with some blonde and it's straight out, like everywhere.

Me: And you find this to be appealing?

J: Yes, I think it's amazing.

Me: And this Bill, he has his tongue pierced, yes? What about that?

J: He also has his eyebrow pierced and he wears a lot of makeup. And he has a twin brother, and his name is Tom and he has dreads.

Me: Given the choice between dreads and "big hair everywhere"?

J: Definitely big hair everywhere because I think dreads are gross and dirty.

Me: If Bill wanted to borrow your eyeliner, would you let him?

J: Um, yes.

Me: And what color would you give him?

J: Black and blue, well it's more like a green color, teal, that's what I'm going to call it . . .

Me: It's my duty as a parent to inform you that you should never share your eyeliner. You could get an eye infection.

J: But it's Bill!

Me: One last question: If Tokio Hotel were a kind of tree, what kind of tree would they be?

J: A rainbow tree.

Me: What does that mean?

J: I don't know but I like it.

Are you still with me? Good job! Okay here's that video I promised. But it's just of Tokio Hotel, so don't get too excited. You can just leave if you want. I won't be offended . . . HOWEVER, if you'd like a giggle, check out Bill's reaction at, oh, about :49, as they win the VMA for Best New Artist. It's actually quite entertaining . . .



Okay, daughter -- you owe me.

The Weekly, Er, Monthly Wrap-Up

It's been a full flippin' month since I've been on here, and while I vaguely remember having at some point vowed to write for no one but myself, all two of my current readers are threatening to dump me for some other, like, "regularly updated" yet certainly inferior pointless random blog. Sooooo, here I am. Because I kinda crave the attention, quite frankly.

This leaves me with no choice but to write what will surely amount to a lame-ass wrap-up, which, you may recall, is merely an excuse for me to dump out some of the random shit that has collected in my head. Sorry. (And why, you ask, is Lil' Wayne hangin' out lookin' all cool up there? You'll just have to read on, my friend. Read on.)

1. My favorite headline for today: UCLA Group Discovers Humongous Number. First of all, humongous is the least specific adjective I can think of to describe a number, which leads me to believe this headline was written by a 4th grader. Which is excellent. Second, I was unaware that there were numbers lurking in, oh, the dark recesses of the Amazon jungle, just awaiting discovery. Thirdly, no one informed me that by "discovering" said number, you could win -- get this -- $100,000. One hundred freakin' thousand dollars. Forget solving the energy crisis, I'm huntin' me some numbers! (No, I was not actually trying to solve the energy crisis, but it's the first thing that came to mind. Work with me here).

(In case you're too lazy to click the link -- or actually have stuff to do! -- the number they've "found" is a 13-million-digit prime number. Which was actually discovered and verified by on a network of 75 computers running Windows XP. First, if they're not scratching it out on a blackboard I don't think it should count. Second, the article quite glaringly specified the Windows XP part, which also leads me to believe that this is merely a crafty publicity stunt staged by Bill Gates to distract me from those hil-a-rious Mac and PC commercials. "Eat me. I'm a delicious pizza." I rewind to watch that line repeatedly. It amuses me. So eat it Bill Gates. I'm on to you.)

2. I'm kind of delighted by Russell Brand. Don't worry, I'm fully aware that the things I find endlessly amusing are the things that oh, say 85% of other people in general, and 98.9% of other women, find somewhat (or exceedingly) appalling. I have watched the VMAs four times now just to enjoy him -- oh, and to marvel over how Lil' Wayne keeps his pants on. I am fascinated by this. It's really a freakin' gift. Ninja even. Okay, okay, judge for yourself:




3. Watching a great football catch makes me ridiculously happy. I have watched this one with a deep and abiding joy, numerous times. Sadly, between this and the VMAs, my free time is now in alarmingly short supply.



4. Okay, you got me -- I'm watching Lil' Wayne keep his pants on -- again -- right now. Good lord. Somebody please help me . . .