Cosmo: $4.29 I Could Have Spent on a Gallon of Gas

. . . and should have. Because upon purchasing my first Cosmo in, oh, 18 years, I discovered that it sucks. Eggs.

I made this purchase, of course, spurred on by the attention a previous post on Details and Marie Claire had garnered, and my own current obsession with the superiority of men's magazines. I had anticipated crafting a clever, irreverent and ultimately thought-provoking post, but instead I found fodder for, well, nothing. I can't believe people actually read this drivel. On purpose. And pay for it. Like I did. D'oh!

Here's the thing. Cosmo is 89% about sex. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Were it useful/intelligent/remotely intriguing information, that's be totally fine. But instead we get "Taboo Sex: The Dirty, Sexy Moves a Man Craves in Bed" (which are different how from the dirty, sexy moves Cosmo has written about in the last 1,647 issues?); "Caught Butt Naked" (Tee Hee!); and "Sexual Health: How to Decode the Sneaky Signs of an STD (Ah, those sneaky STDs. Little scamps!). Ummm, I knew all this stuff before I bought that last issue of Cosmo 18 years ago. But maybe that's just me.

The other 11%? Fashion and beauty (which they do a passable job of, actually, but it's not anything I couldn't find online in about 8 seconds and for free), and indispensable advice pieces like "Summer Dangers You Don't Think About," which gives us this startling revelation -- "Going out for a run in the evening can be convenient -- and the views at sunrise or sunset can be beautiful -- but those times are far less safe." No shit! I feel so informed now. Thanks Cosmo!

Finally, I can't possibly read a magazine that, in a subhead, states: "This is the kick-ass season, but the high temps and humidity can bring challenges." What, am I 12??? The kick-ass season?? What does that even mean??? "A" kick-ass season, maybe, as in, "The Packers had a kick-ass season this year," but . . . It's enough to force me to utilize multiple question marks. And you know that's pretty freakin' serious.

Okay, here's the score on this one:

Cosmo: 0

Me: also 0, for spending my hard earned cash when I had a perfectly good GQ waiting at home.

Marie Claire Vs. Details: A Magazine Battle of the Sexes

I've written before about how I much I love men's magazines, and am generally horribly disappointed in women's magazines. Men's magazines are amusing, women's magazines are not. Simple as that. So I was thinking, what if I did a head to head comparison? What if indeed. I grabbed a Marie Claire in the line at Wal-Mart, and while I love Esquire best, I thought Details (which I also have a subscription to) would be the most even comparison. Okay, here it goes:

Category #1: Cover Celeb

Marie Claire: On the cover? Sex and the City (specifically, Sarah Jessica Parker on a magazine cover for the millionteenth time this month). While, as a fashion writer, SATC style holds some kind of minor fleeting fascination, all in all I'm not a fan. Actually, as summer movies go, I prefer Iron Man. There, I said it.

Details: Another summer movie cover, this time Batman Unmasked's Christian Bale. Let's face it, Bale is soooo cool. And wouldn't I rather look at him on my coffee table than SJP? Uh, duh.

MC -- 0, Details -- 1

Category #2: Work/Career

Marie Claire: "How to Survive a Layoff and Spot One Coming." Okay, not bad -- but one of the red flags, it seems, is if "you're only capable of performing one function." Well, shit, if you can only perform one function, your ass should have been gone a long time ago. I'm just sayin'.

Details: "Have You Already Peaked at Work?" This piece assumes that you have already "rocketed up the corporate ladder" so if you haven't, perhaps not be so useful (but on the upside, means you might -- and I said might -- not have peaked yet. Woo hoo!). Also, the advice? Not too deep -- "keep an eye on that intern delivering your mail." Yeah, okay, thanks.

MC -- .5, Details -- .5

Category #3: Sex

Marie Claire: "Bedroom Ethics -- Hooking Up With a Friend's Ex". Okay, now we're talking. But this piece is a first-person narrative about some chick who hooks up with a friend's ex who she has dubbed The Poet. I couldn't even read the rest -- something about he's a jerk, she's my BFF now, best break-up ever, blah blah blah. Next . . .

Details: "Meet the Guys Who Are Trying to Nail Your Wife." Now this is something useful (not for me particularly, but I'm trying to be objective here). It even tells you the types you should look for, signs, how to handle it. A full-on guide which, as a girl, I would have to say might be right on the money. Now that's thorough reporting.

MC -- 0, Details -- 1.5 (for thoroughness)

Category #4: Whining

Marie Claire: "How Losing Weight Lost Me Friends." Didn't read it. Don't care.

Details: "Stop Complaining. No One Cares How You Feel." Also didn't read it, but don't have to. The title says it all. Nice.

MC -- uh, 0, Details -- 1

Category #5: Fashion/Style

Marie Claire: "Dress For The Job You Want." I'm ready, bring on the good advice. Er, except that the article only gives you four jobs to choose from -- High End Real Estate (which is, of course, a perfectly valid employment opportunity for the masses due to that dreaded high end real estate agent shortage); The Art World (possibly the most vague job/industry description I have ever heard); Finance (okay, it's gonna take me a lot more than a pretty suit to crack into this one); and, finally, Modeling (representing the career aspirations of oh, say, a whooping .000000001% of Marie Claire's readership).

Details: "The New Casual Friday: How to Dress Down in Style." Piece by piece (with pictures!) of what to wear to work -- polos, knit ties, cardigans, print t-shirts, suede lace-ups. The ribbon belts (which look like they're actually made out of, well, ribbons) were slightly questionable for me, but whatever . . .

MC -- 0.5 (well, the article looked pretty nice), Details -- 1

Category #6: Quotable Quote

Marie Claire: From a piece entitled "What I Love About Me" -- "I'm lucky that my hair isn't affected by humidity. Being frizz free in Atlanta makes my life easier because it's so muggy." You know, statements like that give women a bad name. And make me never want to read another women's magazine ever ever ever again.

Details: From a short piece directing us to postcardsfromyomomma.com -- "Hi sweetie, Do you know how to google yourself? I heard on the radio that people can google themselves. I've done a lot of things to myself before, but I've never googled myself." Hehehe. Okay, so I have the sense of humor of a 13-year-old boy. Sue me.

MC -- 0, Details -- 2, just because it made me laugh

Total scores (using my completely arbitrary scoring system):

MC -- 1

Details -- 7

Okay, that was too easy. And I could go on, but I won't. Because this is an hour of my life I will never get back. Crap.